What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 08:14
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it wasn’t much.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is soul school!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was seconnd youngest,
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Comes on , in middle age.
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And i lived it daily.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He resisted the act ,that day.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Ive learnt so much.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was in good health!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She loved him until the end.
All the time i was locked up.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We were not on the streets..
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My life is so biszare .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was scared of men, in general
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot live in the past .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Would this be the day?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She found it foreign!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i do to all so called friends.?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im still living with it.
I write beautiful poetry .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
What did i know ?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was very sick at this time too.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Who then, do I blame.?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I have no regrets .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We all went to grammer schools
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
When she asked me how she looked .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I don,t even have a pension.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She wouldn,t have been !
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He knew the spot.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I think the readers, may guess!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So whats the point in blame.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was 9 years of age.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She married twice! .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But ive been too sick for many years..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I waited trembling.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But, we were locked up after school.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
So, i spoilt her more .
Put me off passion for life!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I said to her
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My family never makes their pension either.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I will be 64.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
It was going to be , some day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
(And it was in our own minds.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)